Do what you have to do
by Sara Nublas
Summary: Written for the Theme Song Challenge. Through a series of flashbacks Strauss tries to understand why she became the woman she's now and the reason of her resentfulness against the BAU team. First time with Strauss, please mind the reviews


**Do what you have to do**

_This story was written for the __**Theme Song Challenge**, my assigned character Erin Strauss and the song: Do What you have to do by Sarah McLachlan.  
>It's the first time I take part to a challenge and write about a character I'm not familiar with, I guess this is the point of being a challenge… Anyway I hope you like it.<em>

_**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own either the characters of the show Criminal Minds either the song by Sarah McLachlan!  
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><p>It's a usual scene the one Erin Strauss is looking at from the window of her office; the bullpen is silent and half empty at this early hour, some familiar faces are already walking in and gathering to greet each other before sitting at their desks, but soon it'll get more and more crowded and the another hectic day will start.<p>

It's a usual scene, yet there something different from every other morning; a nagging feeling, persistent, sinking in her chest, an awareness she's been carefully dodging for a long time and now she's compelled to face whether she likes it or not. She gently caresses the charm hanging at her neck and distractedly plays with it for a moment as if this gesture could relieve her from the gravity of her thoughts; maintaining pensive she slowly walks to her desk running her fingers over the engraved tag: CHIEF ERIN STRAUSS, a title she's worked hard for, a title that usually makes her proudly remember the sacrifices and the efforts she's done during her career, but today doesn't provide any comfort. She sits finally, not letting go of the charm and in a barely audible whisper she repeats a sentence that's been resounding in her mind like a distant echo: _you do what you have to do_.  
>She closes her eyes, and lets a troubled sigh out while she sinks in her seat. In the dim light of her office Erin Strauss finally lets the tears flow and the memories overcome her.<p>

_It's a chilly spring morning when Agent Erin Strauss is summoned by the director in his office; she can feel the scent of the cherry trees blooming while she leaves the driveway bidding her goodbye to her children and her husband. Looking back at them from her rear mirror she can't help noticing that they always seem more saddened by their father's absence than by hers, which is understandable given her continuous absences, but still it stings quite a bit; she makes a mental note to spend more time talking to them and to come back home earlier that night. Maybe get some pizza… it always feels like holiday when they have pizza for dinner._

Erin looks at the still quiet bullpen and doesn't need to check Hotch's office; she knows he's already there, the first to come in and the last to leave. Even now that he's a single dad, after all he's been through, after everything this job took away from him, his dedication is still intact and unquestioned. He's an exceptional profiler, a charismatic leader and a loving father; as a parent he's more proficient than she's ever been in her maternal role, despite her less demanding job and the fact that she didn't undergo a major trauma as he did.  
>She's seen many agents losing their families because of this kind of life, many of them getting to the point that they had to choose between their job and their family; she's always prayed not to have to face this decision because deep down she knows what she would privilege and she's ashamed of herself at the simple thought that a part of her would be ready to choose this profession over her motherhood.<p>

Hotch is a different story though; he's been through the uttermost horror, victim of his own dedication, of his relentless pursue of justice, he lost almost everything, but instead of quitting the job or using it as a refuge from his responsibilities as a parent, he found his balance. For this reason she held a grudge against him for a long time; she has observed him, studied him obsessively and hated blindly his successful dedication to his job and his family; she has wondered how it comes that for her those two are mutually exclusive dimensions -the one draining energy and focus from the other-, whereas for him it is exactly the contrary, family and work fueling each other as if being a good profiler helped him to be a better dad and vice versa. She tried to understand his secret, she wanted it so badly…

_She walks through the corridors of the bureau aware of the eyes pointed on her, of the voices creeping behind her back, but she doesn't care, she wouldn't have got here if she did; there are not many women running for a command position in the FBI. _

_You do what you have to do, that's it. All the rest is unessential._

"_Agent Strauss, take a sit" the director welcomes her in his office. He quickly flips through the pages of a file opened on his desk and soon closes it crossing his hands under his chin and staring at her. After a brief pause he finally voices the reason of the meeting, "you have a remarkable resume Agent Strauss and you made quite an impression on your supervisors. Quick learner, direct to the point, not afraid to speak your mind and to make… difficult decisions…"_

"_Thank you, sir" she replies keeping her posture and gaze unaltered. _

"_You don't seem to like the team work though. Do you?" he carries on._

_She stares at him impassive. It's not a secret that she doesn't get along with many colleagues and several times the conversation got pretty colorful, but Erin learnt that especially if you are a woman, you have to earn the respect in this environment, and you don't achieve it by just complying in silence and repeating yessir all the time._

_The director lets out a sigh "You do what you have to do, right?"_

"_Right" she nods, trying to understand what he's trying to say._

_You do what you have to do in order to be a good officer, a good mother, a decent human being._

Across the bullpen Rossi is walking with fast strides, quickly followed by Dr Reid who is speaking too fast and too loud for the morning standards of the senior profiler, but doesn't seem discouraged by his reluctance to engage a conversation.  
>Erin has always wondered what brought Rossi back and for a long time she thought he was trying to take over Hotch's role. She couldn't understand why such a successful man would want to come back to the bureau, accepting a subordinate position, with the mere aim of helping out. Against all her expectations though she watched him integrating with the team and becoming involved and so attached to this group that she could swear at night he parts from them unwillingly. She watched him morphing profoundly into a more sensitive and reflexive man, completely different from the competitive, arrogant, cocky charmer he used to be back in time. At some point their paths diverged, he turned from an ambitious and solitary pack leader into a wise advisor and a caring man, whereas she became harder and drifted into isolation and hostility. What happened to her? But mostly, when did it all start. Was that spring day many years ago or was it something commenced a long time before?<p>

"_I see here that you filled in a request to become a member of the BAU" the director reopens the file on his desk._

"_I did, sir. Joining the Behavioral Analysis Unit has been my dream since I started working with the FBI" she explains and then slightly falters, there's something in his eyes that is not promising good news._

"_Erin… to be a profiler is an extremely fascinating but also very demanding job. You expose yourself to the darkest side of humanity, you open up to it and you delve into the most perverted minds…"_

"_I'm aware that it is a burdensome job, sir" she reinforces._

"_It is, and it's not something you can endure on your own. You need to rely on your partners and teammates and they have to be able to do the same with you; you have to trust each other with your life and be a support while working a case as well as when the day is over. Often you end up spending more time with your colleagues that with your own family"_

_She doesn't get it for a moment, she doesn't want to. She just stares at him with a dull hurt look._

"_What I'm trying to say Erin is that you proved extremely valuable and skillful in decision-making processes and strategic evaluation, you would be brilliant in a position of leadership or as supervisor of a task force, but you don't have the qualities to become a profiler. You are not able to fit in a team"_

_Erin swallows hard, processing the words while the realization that her dreams have been shattered sinks in. She listens dumbfounded to the director while he stresses how her abilities could be employed successfully if she only considered a slight turn in her career, a more stable assignment, focused on the political bureaucratic aspect of the job, personal evaluation, team efficiency assessment; she would be linked to the BAU but with a different task…_

_So Erin instead of jumping into the action, joining the fieldwork and chasing after the bad guys, finds herself supervising the people who do the job of her dreams. A double slap in the face, doomed to view her failure day by day._

_But still, you do what you have to do. _

She walks up and down the office, pensive. In the meanwhile Garcia, JJ, Prentiss and Morgan joined Reid in the bullpen and they're all grouped around the young doctor's desk talking and laughing. Reid is all excited, probably he's explaining some complicated scientific theory, he holds his mug with one hand and frantically waves the other one in the air; Strauss smiles, from where she's standing right now he almost looks like an orchestra director, she's genuinely amazed by this combination of clumsiness and genius. Morgan and Prentiss mock him with a sharp joke and the whole group start laughing, Reid for a moment looks at them disoriented, then JJ ruffles his hair with an affectionate gesture and he comments back at the group with a grin, joining the cheerful atmosphere. It all last for a few minutes, after which they all scatter and take positions at their desks, their minds now focused on the job.

Erin often wondered how things would have been if she had been part of a team like this. Maybe she would have been able to integrate, to fit in, to meet the requirements to become a profiler. Or maybe she would have been an outsider as she has always been and she's just trying to blame someone else for her flaws. If now she was asked what was driving her actions when she was questioning Gideon's stability, when she was blackmailing Prentiss in order to have her spying on her colleagues, when she was trying to turn them all against Hotch; if she was acting out of revenge for her frustrated ambitions or if she was really meaning good, she wouldn't be able to answer. Maybe it was a little bit of both. Maybe she thought it was easier to be feared and hated than understood and respected. Maybe there's not an easy way to do her job and the downfall of sitting in that office is that you don't make many friends, and the director knew it when he chose her many years ago.

You do what you have to do. But did she have to become this monster in order to do her job? Did she have to become a stranger to her own family? Did she have to lose herself?

_At work she hides her frustration behind procedures and rules, she attacks systematically the BAU, searching for corroboration of the team's inefficiency, trying to prove them -and herself- that the unit is not performing at its best, that she would be able to do a much better job if she was in it. _

_At home there's her husband taking care of things and being understanding, he takes on the role of mediator between her and their children. When she's away all the time, when she becomes snappy and impatient, when she stops listening and she barricades herself into silence, he justifies her with the kids; he fixes them dinner, he tucks them in bed and tells them the mom is at work doing an important job in catching the bad guys and that she loves them the most. _

"_Sometimes you have to accept your role even if it's not what you envisioned, knowing that you're part of a bigger scheme and even though you're not in the first row, your work is very important and helps to save lives" her husband supports her every day when she comes back home from work despondent and devoid of enthusiasm. He cares about her, he bears with her, hoping that one day she will realize that even though the job disappointed her, there are so many other reasons of happiness and gratitude in her life._

_As the time goes by he starts suggesting her that maybe, if this job makes her so unhappy she might want to look for a different position, before her frustration costs her much more than a promotion._

_She shouts back at him, telling him he wouldn't understand, how could he possibly do… "You do what you have to do" she growls back before leaving the room._

_Guess they both did._

She looks down at the thick envelope on her desk, it came in with the mail that morning and hit her as a slap in the face. She doesn't understand why she was so surprised, she should have expected it, she knew this would have happened at some point.  
>She glances at the heart shaped golden charm, a present she got for Mother's Day years ago, she got home and found it on the table, her husband the only one still awake explaining that the kids really wanted to be awake for her to give the present, but then gave in to sleep, in his voice there's no accusation, just exhaustion.<br>Despite all this little episodes she can't quite trace the exact moment when she lost them, the drop that made the barrel flood. She glances at all the smiling family pictures she placed in the office as a reminder of their sporadic moments of happiness, in someway she convinced herself that those rare moments could make up for the many others in which she didn't come through. She doesn't manage to be upset while she goes through the divorce papers, she just feels ashamed for her failure and not entitled to ask for a second chance.

She quickly gets herself together and heads toward Hotch's office, he looks at her stern and impassive when she comes in "I read your report on the case in Seattle. Good job" she comments with her usual dryness.

He looks up at her, waiting for a few seconds, then he slightly inclines his face on one side "but…?" he prompts her to carry on, expecting the usual criticism.

"But nothing. You did a good job, you were quick and effective in delivering the profile, you successfully cooperated with the local police and brought the unsub to justice before he could kill another victim."

Hotch scrutinizes her, "Thanks" he tentatively answers, slightly dumbfounded and uncertain about her real intentions.

Erin's eyes drop on a picture of Jack on his desk "Incredible how fast they grow.." she points it "how is he doing?"

"He's a very strong kid, I'm lucky" he comments while his expression morphs from incredulity to concern.

"It's not a question of luck, you're a good parent. Soon it's gonna be Mother's Day, if you want to take sometime to spend with him… " she swallows hard and leaves the rest of the sentence hanging.

"Sure. Thank you" he senses something is wrong and struggles to find an appropriate way to phrase his offer "Is everything ok, Ma'am?"

She smiles briefly, "I'll take the rest of the day off. I have some personal matters to sort out but you can reach me on my phone for any emergencies. Good day Aaron" she slips out of his room before he can profile her further and smiles a good morning to the team gathering toward the conference room.

You do what you have to do; and if sometimes you realize you did it all wrong, you pick up the pieces and do your best to make it right.

It feels like diving back in time while she approaches the driveway and the smell of cherry trees blossoming is in the air, she takes a deep breath while she struggles to swallow the lump in her throat and she repeats herself that you do what you have to do to save what's most precious for you_._ When her husband opens the door, perplexed and concerned looking at her, she smiles faintly and lets out her plead in a trembling a trembling voice "can we talk?"

He stares back at her for a moment, then he beckons and let her in taking her hand in his.

You do what you have to do, and you hope it's not too late.

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><p><em>So, that's it. I don't have idea if I actually fulfilled the assignment and if anyone is gonna like this story, but it came along this way and there was no way to get it out of my mind.<br>Sure it was fun for me. Please mind the reviews, thank you!  
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